after a meal in the car, in wafts that familiar smell of our growing maturity. cigarettes poking from between fingers and stuck in the corners of our pursed lips
making oral fixation fun again. so today i put in some black eyes. and i remember philadelphia well. the air is getting a bit cooler. the suffocation has been cut off from the heat.
then i remember walking around the city and feeling oddly myself. sometimes this weather reminds me of
school days
wearing clothes that are too heavy only because they are new. really last year at rutgers i remember being really cold but wearing
whatever the fuck i wanted. sleeping in my car in the parking deck being frozen. then driving home before class even started. vest and undershirt. hating school. being slightly disgusted with everyone. everything.
now this year. being half removed from it all. awaiting bills and bullshit. not knowing who or what
will make me feel that way again. something far off in the distance.
i have got love now but sometimes it makes me feel hollowed out and awkward
like some man keeps calling you pretty and you are just a ten year old girl with mismatched body parts, the chunkiness still a problem, dressed up for some important function in clothes that just cant be cute anymore, bangs trimmed too short, waiting for the music to come on at the reception afterwards, then dancing in stockings alone while everyone gets coffee and a danish.