derelict jones.im perusing the stacks. misusing the english language and all of its little grammatical bitch slaps.
im finding the past equally fair at best. im wondering where my past will meet with my mind. and reconstruct the body that my mind believes that it is in.
im jumping to conclusions but always asking why or how. im sure that its not always the same answer. when i find the difference ill shout it out. all so silently when i grab you with my eyes and hold on for a lifetime until i die.
im chewing up all of the blessed warm spots of my heart. im soft as it is when im on my game. some days im just dead eyed and not blinking. driving straight into the backs of other cars and finally getting there once ive lit my cigarette and flooded the car like my lungs with hazy thick armed fools.
im copying cds onto tapes and putting them in my car. im turning off the radio and listening to capn jazz while i roll down the same streets going the same places three or four times a day. thinking about sleep as i dream of all the answers i will explode with so cooly at the next meeting of the minds that does not know it.
im wishing that i was here. with you. so quietly. just laying. just thinking. not rushing. not dieing. not shaking. not smoking. not laughing. not crying. not talking. not screaming. not worrying. not believing. not knowing. anything. anything. anything. anything at all.
not not not not. anything. anything anyting anything at all. i love this. im full of it. a desperate hope that the end is final when it comes. that things are set in stone when they are done. that death is always a promise that i will keep to myself. that all of the things that end repeatedly and often and honestly and naturally. will keep on doing what they do.
that i will watch the same movie that i love for years to come. that my favorite show wont hurt my brain too much. that i will always remember that the contradiction lies in the sheer existence of anyone saying so. that i am lieing and i am laying and i am staring into the pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel and being sucked into my dreams and memories at the speed that they are shooting towards me.