i just want to take care of my memories. like the ones with the refrigerator humming
back when i was a bit more nervous but played it oh-so cool
back then when i was quieter and scared
never letting on that there was somebody in this cavernous body who was suffering for the sake of it
instead i used to have crushes on the boys i knew my step sister would
even though i hadnt seen her in years and when i finally talked to her
she was eighteen and changed completely
so much for heroes i thought
but that was alright
what was the need for them anyway
so cut to today when i am looking back on some written reminders
of love and its beginnings
of sitting with my loveliest lovely
crying over cupcakes iced pink
for her daughters birthday at eleven o'clock at night
in a very quiet house
in the kitchen next to the room where her two children were asleep
imagine that
you confessing your love to me
and i knew
that this day would never come
it hit me so suddenly and the moment of inertia was on
i used to have many moments like that
where i am so drawn into the confusion of wanting and living at the same time that i just get stuck in silence and look vacant and uncaring and empty and reactionless
but this time, for some reason
you knew
that i was just tied up in knots
stomach to my fists
to my throat and in my head
a perfect quiet kitchen
two dozen cupcakes
i was too short to reach over the table to hold you
the next week your son told his daddy that we hugged that night and it made him uncomfortable
its funny how people let things that bother them carry on for so long
but not you,
it was always very good or very challenging and that was fine
and good
and lovely
all in one at any time
even when you shrugged me off
and let me look like a puppy with its eyes all
sad for you
who was somewhere off in the distance saying, fetch.
and now. i have got frozen hands
i have got a fixed heart.
stay with me, thats what i say
thats what it says
im bleeeddding
but no
ill be okay,
ive got a fixation
and you let me have it out
i cant even type
forty minutes on the phone with you
outside in the cold
i dont need anyone old
and i dont need anyone new
just you
not the memory girl with the achey heart and cupcakes
just the you with the crazy laugh and
open mind
and the free verizon mobile to mobile minutes
who is so straight it hurts
even when your boyfriend-not so- boyfriend tells me that you are
experimental
and we kiss with laughs while drunk
rolling around on the couch
telling each other things into our necks
while we think no one is watching
when in fact they are
haha
you are my untouchable one
for now you are so mine
so far from being
mine but you just wont let me know it
you are the unpoetic one
who i can only think of in standard prose
perfectly comprehendible lines of dead eyed bliss
every night
with long hugs as goodbyes
then you say
i cant be what you want
and i say
that you already are
and
i make you laugh
which to me
is enough
this invaluable company so priceless
that i cut my days into nice little pieces
to fit you.