red lights blinking I AM SO DISGUSTED! today in one class i started talking to this girl about the hierarchy of priorities we create. and i know that the self-interest of it all is unshakable. even just that of holding the conversation at all.
IM TIRED OF PLAYING AROUND some people can only wonder what there is to be so serious about. its more like, what is there to be so lax about. and foolhardy. i dont want to walk around like a big open target. sorry, ive done that more than once before.
sorry, not anymore.
ive got jewels only a few people have seen. and even with time and many stupid preconceived notions about truth and understanding, they still will reach down and forget that we saw each others excitement in its rawest form, something that should not be overlooked or uncomplicated only to follow a path of conclusions jumping primarily in the wrong direction.
its just that ive had enough of the stagnant itch to fuck up everything in sight (possibly to make way for things new, but really just making everything a lot crazier and messier, inhibiting healthy relationships to die. instead, it feels like slow torture. enough).
i hate when things hang around inside of your body and then gradually just melt all vital bodily matter into poems and rants and diversions and displacement and shopping sprees and frustrated crushes.
its as if the poison was seeping out through your mouth, which is crying and spitting and raving.
NO NEVER NOT THIS AGAIN slow agony, it is to have love drag you face down. explanations aside, only seriously considering the ends. i will not let my legs go. even after five hundred years, i cant just turn my back on what ive known.