my sister and i only have memories of our childhood so we live them out in the foreground of our friends laughter while they say saw aww and give us adoring looks.
i promised my sister i would take her to the beach so i told her that i would wake her up tomorrow at ten o'clock and we would go. so she asked if we should bring food and when i told her that we had to be back around here by two o'clock she said. that early? then she asked if we should freeze water bottles in the freezer to drink tomorrow.
i always want to bring a cooler to the beach and get sandwiches before we leave to go. i put on sunscreen before i get out of the house so it will set into the skin and protect.
my sister and i are used to waking up at eight o'clock in the morning and waiting outside sitting on a big cooler under the tree in front of the house while the air was still a little chilly.
we would stay at the beach until six o'clock and my sister would always fall asleep with a t-shirt and a hat on underneath the umbrella. that was our youth.
i dont even know how to ask for a hair appointment. i go to the counter and say, 'id like to get my hair cut.' and i dont know how to tip the lady. i hold the money out and say, 'here you go.' and let the awkwardness hit me afterwards.
i wore eyeliner for a good six months and then i stopped after it left a mark on my loves shirt on more than one occassion.
a month ago i disputed my bad credit report since i have never had a credit card. and today i found out that a big black mark was deleted from it.
i have been very emotional lately. things have been making me cry. i dont know if i am letting myself go too much or just getting overwhelmed for once.
in a little over a month i will be moving into a dorm. ill be out of this state and away from my home. in a month ill be quitting my job.
ive been pricing a cellular phone and a television. ive been wondering which hair cut would look the best. ive been buying clothes that look cute. ive been wearing sun glasses. i bought a pair of white sneakers. these are things that are very new to me.
so ive been wondering if im just scared. if i am just growing up. or if i am just thinking slower.
im eighteen. i have been for over four months now. i graduated a little under a month ago. i have been broken up with my love love love love love for about five weeks. nothing feels the same and yet everything does.
everything still centers around how my heart feels. and now that the one silly girl love touchy teary sensitive hope that was really a very real motivation of one day actually being with my love is now gone. i am still wanting to get that back. i am still crying when i have to go home. i am still missing being someone to her. and she is still pregnant and married and not mine at all.
i dont know if this is regressing. or just holding on too long. this is my first love and by law. i am almost grown. i feel like a baby. ive been crying. and that has never been something i would have done. or let alone. admit.